#Question&Answer: [iDey#2]

I suspect that Jim is cheating on me!

I and Jim had been married for 3 and half years now. In the early days of our marriage, he always got back home early; he always called me ‘most 6 times a day. He bought me gifts at intervals and when I least expected: **he bought me my first car just one Saturday like that, it wasn't even our anniversary or my birthday** But recently Jim is different. He comes home about past 11p, sometimes now he got home about 1a in the morning. When I confronted him he said he has been given a new department to handle at his work, and he usually runs data backups late into the night. Hmmm** Tell that to a two year old! Coz I ain't buying that! I stumbled on a text message sometime in his phone, the text message read: “call me back”…I saved the number and later called it with an anonymous number and a lady picked the call, and hung up. I've never suspected Jim is cheating on me, but I mean, things ain't the same anymore like those good ol’ days. Though he still buys me gifts, and he still shows his love to me nevertheless, but I smell a rat **or maybe something worse: a snake!** Coz, he’s always sneaking away when he wants to receive some calls when I’m present; I asked him why he did that the last time, he gave me the excuse that it was international, the service was fluctuating. Ahh! Could Jim be cheating on me? How can I find this out 100%? What do I do?

Please help.

Kelly, USA. 

Hmmm** Well, I may say it could be he’s cheating on you or it could be he’s not cheating on you dear Kelly. Either way. BUT you see marriage in the first 5 years is like the formation of a dynamo: the fusion of two separate forces coming together for the first time to form one element. It can be very interesting I would tell you: (interesting I say because I would rather use a motivational word, than a regressive word like “dangerous”) Why did I say interesting? The person you actually know during courtship, (or your early days of dating) is actually about 20 – 30% of the real person you will get to “find out” in these first 5 years of marriage.

How does this affect Jim, and his current behavior? Yes, Jim is actually passing through the ‘metamorphic’ stages of most men in marriage when they are yet to realize that they are now in marriage (and not a free spree) like when they were still single. Yes, men in their early marriages, tend to fall for prey to “ambitious” women out there who would want to lure them into misdemeanors like adultery (even without minding the effect on the man’s new marriage) BUT it is left for Jim to realize that he is now married to you (Kelly) and he has to align his psycho-physical, and psycho-mental antiquities to fall in line to the fact he is committed to one woman and that precious woman is You. But that’s for Jim to know. What about me (Kelly) who’s is at the receiving end of this not too comfortable new development? How do I curb it, how do I stop Jim from drifting (if he is) away further into this ‘blackhole’ that tends to suck most men up, in their early marriages?

Very good questions. First things first, you have to apply wisdom dear. Because if it is that he is seeing another lady at this stage, a forceful confrontation may spell even more doom than repairs. Talk to him about the way you feel about his ‘new’ person. Let it be there is continuous discussions (discussions but not quarrels) about the fact that you would demand (Yes, demand is the word) more of his sincerity, and his time, and his openness at this stage.

It’s clear that this method always stirs up strife between couples (yes it could) but one main way to solving difference in such cases between couples is DIALOGUE. Men are like children (they are still that baby boy who mama told what to do, just that now they think differently, talk differently, and understand differently – maturely) but deep down they are still that child! So you tell him what you expect from him as your husband, not like you’re “commanding” anyway, but it is a wife’s right to demand what she would want her spouse to do right – (so also for men to their wives too, in a loving way!)

So talk about it:  “I don’t like it you come back late dear, can you make adjustments in your work schedule please?”; “Stop answering your calls out of my presence dear, it makes me suspect you!” …“Always tell me about your female colleagues, and your female business partners…so I don’t mistake them for…you know what I mean!”

These would be better than confronting him and saying “where are you coming from at 1am???!” “why are you answering calls outside…why this why that…etc” Men don’t like to be challenged, but men accept corrections (coz mama has trained them for that some time in the past!) So apply the “Mum” strategy, be corrective than offensive. Even if he flares up at a time about your inquisitiveness, he will come round as long as you put your foot down, and don’t confront but correct. Yes. Men are smart enough, to know when they’re been ‘led’ in the right direction, just that sometimes external influences (as I always say) affect their judgmental abilities (external influences here include all that the “external lady” will bring to her arsenal to steal your man from you - physical and otherwise) So most times it’s left for the wives to be smarter, wiser, and more calculated than they that are outside! It’s like taming a lion – you apply skill, wisdom, and understanding. Learn to correct him, than confront him.

And don’t forget to pray!

King.





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