#Let'sTalk! [iDey#14]
Hello Lekki, I have these concerns of mine which I would wish for you to help me: I am not in a relationship, never have been (well officially); I could give 1001 reasons as to why, but at the end of the day I think I’m just scared. I basically just do the friends with benefits stuff in order not to get emotionally attached; but, well, that didn't work either. And I’m not the wild type so I couldn't get away with the “no strings attached” technique. I think I just crave for some kind of genuine connection with someone worth it, but I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET THERE!
I’m used to just pushing people away, and at the end of the day I’m all alone and lonely.
Hello Gift.
Good to get your reply. Sorry bout the late reply; we respond to hundreds of emails per week.
The part of your email that struck me so badly, was the part you say “you’re lonely”. Oh no! That shouldn't be. But I've come across this kind of circumstance lots of other times, and the solution is rather simple (but should be followed with wisdom though). I don’t know how old you’re (maybe in your early or mid twenties); why I mentioned ‘age’ is because it’s always the case that young adults in their early or mid twenties always have this problem of allowing their inner self to take control of their psycho-mental attributes in their early relationships.
What does this mean?
Most young adults after they have turned 18+, always tend to take a blind dive into dating and relationships…and this always kind of backfires, because whom they’re always dealing with (especially the girls dealing with men) are much older than them in most cases. Hence, their initial relationship always, starts-off with a bad (or not too good) experience with someone much older. This always leads them (the young ladies) to repeat mistakes and begin to retract into a kind of “shell”; and due to this, they find themselves in 1, 2 or 3 wrong relationships! This means most of them tend to have a certain (wrong) mindset about relationships at an early stage.
This might not really be exactly your own situation, but I can guess, it’s not far fetched from the above example.
So what do you do?
How do I correct this ‘embedded’ mind set, and then begin to gear myself to a better relationship worthy of my time?
Well, for me (in my sincere opinion which I believe has been proved over several issues), I think you should CLEAR YOUR MIND of all past experiences. This is your first move dear (don’t forget); Let your mind be free from any wrong (or bad) past experiences you've had (and I’m sure you do have past experiences). Then secondly, ask yourself the vital questions: “What do I really seek in a friend, a date, or boyfriend” **whatever you chose to call it** Do I seek a company, a close friend, a sex partner, or what really?
I advise you should seek for ‘a friend’ first of all. Yes. Let whom you wish to be with to be a friend (first) over a time period (maybe you have someone like this already). At this stage, see relationship with the opposite sex like much as a relationship with your same sex (so to speak): Why did I say this? A true (male) friend will always be a true friend, even if you guys tend to cross the line and start having sex (but I discourage this **early sexual affairs in a relationship because sometimes it backfires, and it’s not advisable) But I rather advise you remain friends over a long time (like 6 months tops – or more, or non at all even till marriage – BEST!)) for you to be able to prove his friendship to you.
Relationship is a two way traffic. Those involved come with individual experiences which may prove good or bad. So to be safe, be friends. Don’t push them away so quickly; rather, even when they come with the pleas (from the men) to be more than a friend to you, let them know you prefer platonic relationships. Anyone that wouldn't want to be a platonic friend to you for a while is not worthy of your time dear. Yea, quote me anywhere, any day.
So make friends, be nice, and smile always (coz’ you’re beautiful – it’s true); and always use wisdom (yes you can!) to know who cares about you.
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